Tuesday, July 20, 2010

How is it I am excited one minute and having a panic attack the next?

Wal-Mart called me yesterday to inform me that I will have orientation Wednesday at 9 am.

I am super excited. I think about how I am helping to provide for my family, I will be able to help my husband qualify for a house loan easier, I will have a piece of my life that is only about me. The last part I really don't need because I find it in other smaller parts in my life, but this will be a bigger part and thus a positive.

The panic part comes in because,

1. Meeting new people
2. Fear of failure ie, not being good at my job.

I know Sara is in the best hands possible. I also think in some ways this is a good thing because Sara and Jeff will have time and experiences together they would not have if I were around. I think their bond will deepen and Sara will become more independent knowing that Mama can go away and everything is cool. It will also make her more dependant on Jeff, which as of right now she isn't. For some reason Mama is all knowing, is the only one that can do things right. She is getting a little too old for that.

Of course I would love to stay home with Sara. But this is what our family needs. I refuse to get help, welfare or compromise anything in our life simply to stay home with Sara. I can't set that example for her. Hopefully one day Jeff can get a better job and I can stay home again but if I can't? Well one day they will be in school, I can work day shift and be home for them in the afternoon. It will all work out. I have a ton of faith in my family. I know that we will always be ok because Jeff and I will make sure that happens.

On the TTC front. AF is due today. No sign yet. Still keeping my fingers crossed.

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